


What Have I Become?

by carochan



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater, The Raven Boys
Genre: Explicit Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 16:05:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2699042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carochan/pseuds/carochan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>However, this running through Ronan's head, while he was directing Adam's chin to face him gently, one thought echoed over all the other's in his head;</p><p>'My second secret is Adam Parrish.'</p><p>While Adam was sniffling a little, he looked pretty confused, seeing how....Calm, and how in thought Ronan was, it kind of gave him a chill up his spine, as he parted his lips to speak.</p><p>"Lyn--" </p><p>Their lips sealed together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Have I Become?

The snarling. 

 

It made him sick to his stomach. That miserable snarl from Ronan. 

 

_'Is this what you wanted?'_

 

It wasn't, it was everything _but_ what he wanted. 

 

_'Are you happy now, Adam?'_

 

All that woke him up, were the light streams of tears rolling down his cheeks, and a soft sob before he blinked his eyes open quickly, kind of gasping, sitting up quite quickly. 

 

"Please don't die because of me.." He sobbed out softly, knowing it was really stupid to be crying over a bad dream. A constant nightmare haunting his thoughts. What broke him from this, were faintly echoed footsteps outside his-

 

Noah's room. He glanced to the door that was only a crack open, wiping his cheeks off with his bedding before seeing Noah there in the doorway, a silhouette really, from the light of the moon in the skylight above him in the hallway on him.

 

"You were speaking to yourself in your sleep, again." Noah said in his hushed tone of a voice. 

 

Adam stared to him, nodding and sighing a little, rubbing the side of his arm while he sat up fully. "I know, sorry.." He mumbled out with a small roll of his eyes.

 

When Adam had opened his mouth to speak again, he felt a cold breeze against him, looking up, Noah was gone. Like usual, he'd just pop in, vanish out. 

 

He glanced over his shoulder a little, squinting when seeing the brightness of the moon from the window, frowning a little.

 

He knew he was going to be the one who kills Gansey, he could  _feel_ it. Even if it were just a vision, or a nightmare, it felt too real to be a hallucination he made up himself.

 

However, he slid his legs off the side of the bed, trembling a little as his weak arms held himself up a little, looking down to his swaying feet, sliding off the bed fully, stumbling a little when he did this. Catching his steadiness again, Adam walked from Noah's room, wearing nothing but boxers and the tee shirt he had been wearing that day.

 

He heard the small tingle in his right ear of music, the sound of the blaring out tunes from either Gansey or Ronan's headphones. So of course, he walked over to their rooms, looking in the opened one, Gansey's, he never shut his door. He walked in just a half step.

 

Yet all he found was Gansey sprawled out on the bed, snoring a bit with each rise of his chest, headphones on, listening to music just as Adam predicted. He then stepped out, shutting Gansey's door, walking over to Ronan's room, looking in, it was a crack open.

 

What he found in his room, was Ronan on his bed, not asleep, back against the wall with his legs out. Chainsaw had been curled up and asleep next to him for the warmth of her slumber, and Adam just frowned a little.

 

What was he doing up this late? He didn't look half asleep, like he'd just been awoken.

 

Adam just stepped away, making a small creak in the floorboards, making Ronan glance over slowly with a cocked up eyebrow.

 

"Parrish." He let out before Adam could tiptoe away quick enough, without awaking Gansey again, that is. 

 

He just froze up, heart sinking. He couldn't walk away, it was obvious he had just cried his eyes out of their frail little sockets, and he knew just how damn stubborn Ronan was.

 

So, consistently, Adam slowly walked backwards to the room again, looking down when he faced the doorway again, the door slowly etching open.

 

"Yes?" Adam mumbled out, arms to his side as he felt the gaze from the other just.... _planted on him._ Like always. Was that ever going to stop? He didn't know.

 

Seconds felt like days. 

 

"Adam, what the hell happened?" Ronan remarked, sliding off his headphones, looping them about his neck, getting a small step back from Adam in reply.

 

"Noth--" 

 

"Don't even try it." Ronan retorted, sitting up and staring at Adam in the doorway, who was still looking to his feet.

 

"What happened?" Ronan repeated, seeing Adam walk in, and sit on the edge of the bed.

 

"I killed Gansey." Adam said under his breath, and Ronan couldn't hear, so he just quirked a brow to him.

 

"I killed him." Adam repeated again, bottom lip quivering as he spoke, trying  _not_ to cry again, that'd just show him off as more of a loser to Ronan, the last thing he wanted.

 

"Killed...Who..?" He responded with, hearing Adam's voice wavering like that was never a good thing.

 

"Gan...Sey..." Adam murmured out slowly and softly, closing his eyes and looking down again.

 

"He's in his room, fast asleep, fine as ever, not dead. You didn't kill him, you couldn't." Ronan snapped back, not loud, but still stating he meant it as a fact.

 

"I will kill him." Adam whispered, frowning a little. "I will." He repeated. "I will be the one that kills him." He whispered on again.

 

"Adam, go back to sleep, you're--"

 

"No." 

 

"No?"

 

"No." 

 

Ronan froze. 

 

Did Adam just not only interrupt him, but say no,  _so quickly,_ to something he was about to advise him to do?

 

"Why not?" Ronan asked with a breathy sigh, holding himself up with his elbows, looking to Adam, hiding  _most_ of the scarce confusion in him from this action of Adam.

 

"Because I need you to  _listen."_ Adam choked out, almost like it hurt to say it. 

 

"What's wrong? Listen to what...Adam what is wrong, what's happe--"

 

"No one ever listens!" Adam snapped, jerking away the arm moving towards him, teary eyes catching Ronan's slightly concerned glance.

 

Ronan just snapped a small confused glare as he sat up fully, acting quick now, seeing Adam's trembling hands clench weakly into fists, looking down, trying very,  _very_ hard not to cry by now.

 

"I'm going to kill him..." Adam said, standing up, waking up chainsaw as she screeched to all of this commotion. 

 

Ronan watched him stand up, staying frozen for a moment, before grabbing the shirt Adam had been wearing, jerking him right back down on the bed, getting a struggled, "Hey!" In response from Adam.

 

"Shutup. You're gonna wake Gansey up, then you'll have to explain to  _him_ how  _you're_ going to kill him." He mumbled, really close to Adam's face after tugging and ducking down to him.

 

Adam felt the hot breath on his face when Ronan was talking, closing his eyes, eyelashes beaded with tears while he just nodded and stopped his trembling while he was let go.

 

"Tell me now, what the hell do you mean you're gonna kill Gansey?" He asked again, and Adam just shook his head.

 

When he looked at Ronan, all he could see was;

 

_'Are you happy now, Adam?'_

 

He shook his head a bit faster.

 

_'Is this what you wanted?'_

 

Tears fell from each eye and he broke into another sob, looking down and covering his face.

 

While Ronan watched this, he just looked very confused and stoic at the same time. Eyes showing concern, but the rest of his face, complete and utter expressionless nerves had filled it up.

 

"I'm so sorry...I killed him, it's my fault..." Adam whimpered out. While Ronan just stared, staying quiet, he'd never seen any of the other's cry this much before, or at least, be this emotional. Maybe Gansey had cried here and there...But nothing like this. Adam was always so concealing of most of his depression that he knew was there, he felt was there. It must have been hard, he knew, because he heard Adam waking up sometimes in the middle of the night, sobbing in his sleep, mumbling small shouts while sleeping. It was bad, and he knew it was terrible, but he never took the help Gansey had offered, so what was he supposed to do?

 

"Please just...Stop." Ronan finally said to Adam, lifting a hand and prying the hands gently from covering up Adam's face.

 

"What are you talking about, Adam?" He asked, expression now stoic fully again, holding Adam's wrists, more of his hands, to keep him from pushing him away, or covering his face again.

 

"I'm going to kill Gansey, and...You're going to hate me.." He let out in response.

 

Ronan leaned down a little, yet he froze and glanced to the doorway, seeing Noah, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head. As if saying, 'Stay the hell out of my room' To him. 

 

When he saw Noah vanish, he looked back over to Adam, who's troubled face was paled and he had his eyes closed. 

 

He wasn't about to do this for real..Right? Sure, he imagined it, but it was just his stupid thoughts about  _what's it like to be with a boy._

 

However, this running through Ronan's head, while he was directing Adam's chin to face him gently, one thought echoed over all the other's in his head;

 

_'My second secret is Adam Parrish.'_

 

While Adam was sniffling a little, he looked pretty confused, seeing how....Calm, and how in thought Ronan was, it kind of gave him a chill up his spine, as he parted his lips to speak.

 

"Lyn--"

 

Their lips sealed together.

 

Ronan kissed Adam, and everything froze. Well, to Adam, everything did...

 

 

Was this  _actually happening?_ Was all Adam heard running through his head, that was aching in confusion and slight pain from all of the crying. 

 

Their lips collided every few half seconds, and Ronan just held it all together, feeling the very weak attempt from Adam to try and return it while trying to process his thoughts at the same time. He got it, he understood, it was fine, he was confused too..

 

Now they were both confused, but what made it less confusing, was that they were confused together.

 


End file.
